Want coffee with that?

*NOTE*  Another oldie from the Myspace blog.  Some of them hold up a bit better than others.  This one, however, is really, really dated.  But killing hookers in video games is practically timeless so hopefully it has kept some of its relevance.  Originally posted August 2, 2005.

Enough is enough!!  Now I’m pissed!  What the hell is this world coming to!  For years this country has been threatening to cross the line of good taste by peddling debauchery in the disguise of “entertainment.”  Now they’ve crossed that very line, and more than likely made fun of Jesus while doing it.  Folks, we live in society where video game producers think its ok to secretly add sexually explicit content to what was a wholesome game of gang warfare, drug use, carjackings, and murder.  I assume I join the rest of America when I say, “Rockstar Games, you should be ashamed!!!!”

Ok, so I don’t really think that.

In case you haven’t heard, the game I’m referring to is “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.”  Apparently a secret “minigame”, called “Hot Coffee”, was hidden in the game and can be unlocked with a cheat code or mod.  The user is then able to, in the right situation during the game, see two of the games characters – how can I put this nicely – fuck.  That wasn’t so nice after all was it.  Whatever.  And although the scene is said to be graphic I think it’s important to remind everyone these are humanoid-like creations made of polygons and a shitload of 1s and 0s not actual people.  Video game technology has come a long way since “Custer’s Revenge” but I’m willing to bet the scene doesn’t look that much like real sex.  I can only imagine it’s like watching cartoon porn.  Not that I, uh, know what cartoon porn is like or anything.  Once it was proven that this “minigame” was actually programmed into the game and not just an add-on developed by amateurs from the mod community it created a holy firestorm of controversy throughout the world.  A firestorm not seen since Janet Jackson exposed her evil, satanic, somewhat covered (but not nearly enough for the lunatics at the FCC) breast at the Super Bowl.  I can’t even imagine what would have happened if it turned out the game characters in question were of the same-sex.  Well, aside from God raining fire and brimstone down on us dirty, morally devoid heathens of course.

What gets me most about this whole situation is how people have gotten so up in arms about a sex scene in a game so full of what would be considered “questionable” content in the first place. The Grand Theft Auto series is a group of very, very violent games.  One of the biggest hooks of the game has been the ability to carjack.  Literally pull in-game characters out of their vehicles and then drive away in said stolen vehicle.  Whether or not you kill the victim is entirely up to you.  Now, I haven’t played any of the GTAs since GTA2 so I don’t know if this is true for the San Andreas game but a way to regain your character’s health is to “visit” a prostitute.  Of course, as in the real world, this service isn’t free.  Once the job is finished, however, you can kill the prostitute and take your money back by stealing it off her dead body.  So healing yourself really doesn’t have to cost you a thing, just like in real life.  While killing the hooker isn’t something you have to do to finish the game it is something you can do should you choose to do so.  Just like you don’t have to use the “hot coffee” mod but you can if you want.  So why is it that two animated characters rubbing up against each other got the panties of the pussies in this country in a collective bunch when they didn’t seem to care too much that you could kill hookers (or pretty much anyone else roaming the streets in GTA) for fun?  Maybe because most of the same people who have problems with games like this also think killing prostitutes isn’t such a bad idea.  Ok, I shouldn’t say the pussies don’t care about the rampant, imaginary killing taking place in GTA games.  After all, the GTA series has long been a target of the legions of people with sticks up their asses in this country.  And it probably should be to some extent.  While I’m all for keeping things like GTA from being readily available to children I can’t help but sit in wide-eyed bewilderment by the knee jerk reactions from the self-appointed keepers of morality in this country when a situation like this pops up.  Before “San Andreas” was known to have the “hot coffee” feature included it was given a rating of “M” by the ESRB (Entertainment Software Rating Board).  An “M” means “mature” and is a warning to prospective buyers that the game may contain violence and some sexual content and shit like that.  It’s basically saying, “hey all you video game shops, don’t sell this stuff to minors, it’ll fuck ‘em up good! But if their parents, grandparents or some adult the kids paid to buy it for them want to come in and buy it, well, we won’t stop you from selling it!”  Now that the various Godless evils of baby making featured in “hot coffee” have been discovered the ESRB has changed “San Andreas’” rating to the dreaded “AO,” adults only.  That means many big software retailers, like Best Buy for example, refuse to carry it.

Maybe I’m starting to repeat myself but why did adding a “sex” scene to a game full of violence all of a sudden make it adults only?  Shouldn’t all of the violence have done that in the first place? Imagine this, what if; instead of having your character bump uglies with the female character in “hot coffee”, you tortured and killer her instead.  Would the game still get the “AO” rating?  Unless there was an excessive amount of blood loss (and really, what is an excessive amount of blood loss?  A gallon?) I’m betting not.  I mean, it’s just more violence piled on top of other already known violence after all.  So is it that having senseless violence and sex together is the reason the game is “bad?”  Nah, I’m guessing it’s just the sex.   Because, as all people with an iota of intelligence know,  people watching sex and nudity is what keeps the Devil alive, keeps drug dealers selling their wares at schools and is somehow responsible for letting terrorists win…..whatever it is terrorists win.  A little violence now and then is ok but sex?  No way, that shit is right out.  And shame on whoever can’t see the evils of the naked human body and the act of reproduction.  Shame on you and may God have mercy on your evil liberal soul you dirty tree hugging baby killer.  Maybe this has already been done but if Larry Flynt ever gets into the software programming business I’m betting “Hustler’s Beaver Search:  The Game” will be getting an “AO” rating for sure.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they made an XXX equivalent rating just for him.  I’m sure there wouldn’t be one lick (pun intended) of violence in the game, other than a few pounded beavers naturally, but getting anything less than an “AO” rating is as impossible as Pauly Shore winning an Oscar.  But if a game came out like, say, “NRA:  Hippy Killer” I’d put money down on nothing worse than an “M.”

So wear does this fear of sex and nudity come from?  It has to be nothing more than an inherited fear passed down from generation to generation because I just can’t figure it out.  Now I’m not saying sex should be plastered all over the fucking place.  Believe me, I’ve seen enough pornography in my life to know some things should be left in the bedroom…..or the kitchen, or the garage, or the church confessional, or on the top of your car, or blind folded, handcuffed and hooked up to a car battery, or…..well, you get the idea.  Sex probably isn’t the best thing show to children but honestly, nudity?  How does that fit into the equation?  Normally I don’t like to beat a dead horse, and this horse has been beaten so much it’s nothing more than a fine brownish red paste by now, but I can’t help but think about the whole Janet Jackson fiasco as I type this.  I know it’s been talked about way, way too much already but I’ve just got to throw in my two cents.

Can you believe she was able to hide her marriage for so many years!?

Just kidding!  That’s not what I’m talking about!  Of course I’m really referring to the exposed breast incident from the Super Bowl that, despite having mentioned it already in this very column, I’m going to dig up again.  I’m just not that good of a writer.  Sue me.  Anyway, I couldn’t figure what the big fucking deal was at the time of the “unveiling” and a year and a half of reflection hasn’t helped me understand it any better.  I heard rant after rant after rant about how terrible the whole situation was and how most of the nation’s children were going to grow up to be drug addicts and pedophiles because they watched it.  But not once during the incredible amount of media time devoted to these lunatics did I hear an explanation on why it was wrong.  Why?  Because nobody hasan explanation.   It’s something that has been taught for so long that virtually nobody even questions it anymore.  It is because it is.  I watched the incident, I saw it actually happen.  Not that I like to admit that I’ve ever seen any performance by Justin Timberlake but I kind of have to fess up to it in this situation.  While I wasn’t watching a high definition broadcast or anything I was watching on a pretty good-sized TV and honestly I could barely see what had happened.  Besides, her nipple was mostly covered by some star-shaped doodad and certainly couldn’t be made out since the camera at the time of the broadcast was so far away.  I’ve watched enough TV in my life to know that the most evil area of the human female breast is the nipple and that’s the one part of the Janet’s “shame” no one can even claim to have seen at the time of the broadcast.  So basically all anyone saw was a bunch of boob.  I see cleavage on the TV all the time so excuse me if I don’t understand what’s wrong with showing more of it than usual.  But Goddamn it, with the uproar that took place afterwards you’d have thought everyone had just witnessed the “Super Bowl XXXVIII Halftime Show Presented by Satan, Osama Bin Laden and the KKK.”

Fuck, I don’t know.  I just spent quite a bit of time typing this out and it hasn’t helped me understand anything more than I did before I started.  Nor is it going to help make things better but dammit, I feel better now.  And if “G.I. Joe” has taught me anything during my life it’s that “knowing is half the battle.”

That didn’t make any fucking sense whatsoever did it?